maandag, mei 05, 2008

Insomnia

It's the middle of the night and I'm out of cigarettes. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping and even more trouble waking up. My internal schedule seems to be sleep at five a.m., wake up in the late afternoon.

This is a problemn. I have work at one o'clock almost every day.

I know for a fact that part of the reason I haven't been fired yet is that I'll be starting school again at the end of August. There's a concrete end to my full-time employment. The rest seems to be cuteness and being competent when I'm there. But I hate myself, I want to be there on time, and it takes all my strength not to cycle into self-loathing, but to work on the problem itself.

Baby steps.

Iris is taking it one day at a time

zaterdag, november 24, 2007

Gonzo Journalism and Gallows Humor

I got my first tattoo this week, a simple geometric spider on the back of my left shoulder. The two or three people I know who've read Transmetropolitan understand exactly why. Spider Jerusalem, for all his flaws, is one of my personal heroes.

I spend a fair amount of my life observing people. There are a lot of things I don't understand—Black Friday, for example. I've spent the Thanksgiving break in Los Angeles with Lindsay, in the middle of the world capital of greedy, self-serving consumerism, and I just don't get it. I don't understand waking up at three in the morning to stampede some megastore and buy objects that you don't actually need, all for the sake of a bargain. I hate the relentless advertising, the constant message that everything you own is disposable and should be replaced as soon as possible with something newer, better, with more features that you will never use and have never wanted. I've only been here four days and I already have the overwhelming urge to either commit mass homicide or become a hermit.

This is probably part of why I don't get along with people very well.

There's a certain point at which gallows humor is the only way to deal with society and the state of the world without going batshit insane. The whole concept of Black Friday is completely absurd. Can you imagine trying to describe this to someone from a third-world country, or anyone from a century ago? My sense of humor may be sick and twisted, but you can see why. There's no other way to cope.

As Spider Jersualem once said...
This is the future. This is what we built. This is what we wanted. It must have been. Because we all had the fucking choice, didn't we? It is only our money that allows commercial culture to flower. If we didn't want to live like this, we could have changed it at any time, by not paying for it. So let's celebrate by all going out and buying the same burger.

Iris hates it here.

dinsdag, augustus 08, 2006

Amsterdam

It feels a lot like I'm just killing time until my flight on Thursday morning. Kamilla and Amanda have moved on to Brussels, and I'm spending my days wandering the narrow streets of Amsterdam, staring out coffee shop windows at the misty rain and passing tourists. I don't do travelling alone very well--I always find myself wishing I was staring at someone over that cappuccino or cup of Jasmine tea. The solitude lets me clear my head, but there are so many things better experienced with someone else. Spend dinner talking rather than reading a book or staring into space.

It's been an amazing summer, but I think I'm ready to come home. Come home, go back to school, and start working toward that pipe dream of getting my MS and moving to Europe permanently.

zaterdag, augustus 05, 2006

I Know It's Over

I'm leaving Eindhoven today to spend five nights in Amsterdam. It's weird. After a bout of sentimentality two nights ago, I'm just going about my business. This is how I handle change--do what needs to be done and not think about it. My suitcase is packed again, the room just needs to be vacuumed, and I have to wash my laundry. My badge and office key have been turned in. The project is Mahesh's baby now.

I always seem to leave a place just when I get comfortable. On Thursday night, Martijn, Ruud, Jos, Mahesh and I went out to dinner, and I could read the menu. People assume I'm Dutch until I open my mouth. It's still a slightly lonely existence, but if I could stay here longer it would really become home.

Someday I'll move to Europe. That I'm sure of.

woensdag, juli 12, 2006

Both Sides Now

I've been listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell today, and doing domestic things like laundry. A slow, almost melancholy day, most of it spent working at home and waiting for the nice men from DHL to bring me back my camera. I already miss Italy again, especially after seeing the pictures. While they had the camera, the boys took a bunch of photos at work, and my desk is just like it was when I left. Same crowd, same lab, same fairly disorganized mess.

Mostly, life is just calm and quiet. Work, buy groceries, cook, listen to music, do laundry. A fairly simple existence, and one that I'm growing to love. Life feels good right now.

(There's a new link to the photos on the right, I've switched galleries. New photos up, too.)

maandag, juli 10, 2006

I Campioni del Mondo Siamo Noi

Italy won the world cup. Tomorrow I'll try to be a little more articulate on the subject, but there was screaming and lots of beer and parading through the streets of Eindhoven shouting and singing, then dancing and more beer and champagne. My voice is mostly gone.

zaterdag, juli 08, 2006

Nocturnal Exploration

I love living in a town where I can decide at two in the morning that I want a falafel and go get one. I love riding my bike everywhere. I love that it's past midnight and still t-shirt weather.

I went for a very late dinner at a falafel place in the center, then rode around my neighborhood for a while, just exploring.

I'm having a fantastic night.

vrijdag, juli 07, 2006

Seven Moments

One.
The Munich airport is familiar now. I understand its idiosyncracies, and suddenly found myself playing seasoned local to a group of entirely terrified American tourists. My own first trip through Munich made me conclude it was the worst designed aiport on the face of the planet (a view I still hold), so I reassured them that yes, this was the bus to our flight to Rome, no the bus was not going to get on the freeway, and this was pretty much business as usual in Munich. I told them that everyone's first flight through the airport is an excercise in patience and utter confusion. It's strange to think of myself as the one who knows the ins and outs of getting around various bits of Europe.

Two.
I stepped off the plane at Fiumicino and breathed a huge sigh of relief. The light had that warm quality I've only seen in Italy, the sun was out, it was warm, and I could understand things. Signs in the bus and airport, the babble of fellow travellers...it was like coming home. On the train from Fiumicino to Roma Termini, I ended up sitting across from two entirely obnoxious Americans, the first I've really encountered since leaving home. They remind me why I want to leave the country. I spent the entire ride from Termini to Ancona staring out the window and listening to music. A lot of the Postal Service, some Jeff Buckley, Elliott Smith, the Alkaline Trio. The light is prettier, the landscape is nicer, the architecture is very specific. In Italy the bricks are yellow, in Holland they're red. The streets are narrower and windier. They actually have hills and mountains. Everything was so familiar, and reminded me why I'd missed the place so much.

Three.
I called Simo from the Termini station to tell him what time I would be coming in, and spoke Italian. I think he was downright shocked. Somehow, in a year of not using it, I've overcome my shyness about attempting to speak Italian. Last summer, communication with Pasqui was very difficult. This summer, somehow, it was easy. We had whole conversations in Italian (his slow for my benefit, mine broken and limited, but still somewhat functional). Peppe and I barely spoke last year, but this year it was like old friends reuniting. Suddenly I discover that his English is fantastic, and we spend dinner talking. Angelo had to worry even less about my understanding him. It was...incredible. Surrounded by my friends, words in two languages flying across the table.

Four.
Peppe and I are out in Senigallia on Saturday night, drinking beers. Pasqui has found his friends, leaving the two of us talking about music and life and work. We start to get drunk at about the same time (apparently we have the same alcohol tolerance?) and by halfway through the second beer we're taking silly, vaguely drunken photos with my camera. His friend Riccardo shows up, along with some of the other boys from Chiaravalle (Peppe's hometown), and it descends into the two of them sharing stories about when they were studying in England together, overlapping and contradicting and teasing. The dynamic reminds me so much of when a group of old Czars gets together. Sometime past four, we walk back to Pasqui's car, drive Peppe to his, and Pasqui drives me home. Peppe ends up spending the night in his car.

Five.
On Tuesday, Martijn asks me at lunch if I want to go swimming after work (as soon as I came back from Italy, the sun was out). We try and try to get more people in, but eventually it's just him, Derya (his wife), and me. We leave work and race to the Turkish market for picnic supplies. Derya makes small-talk in Turkish with the grocers while we pick out several pounds of cherries, good bread and cheese, and dinner makings. At the lake (dubbed E3 for the motorway nearby), we demolish all the cherries and about half the bread and cheese, then go swimming until the evil man in the truck starts driving around, berating us all to get out of the water because the lake is closing....in half an hour.
We go back to Martijn and Derya's apartment in the city center, a gorgeous tenth-floor flat with a balcony. For dinner we make a huge Spanish tortilla and a salad, and open a bottle of red wine. They only let me help when I insist that I feel useless. We eat dinner listening to Pink Floyd and fantastic Dutch blues and watching the Italy-Germany game on mute. It's so hot that, even with all the windows and doors open it's all we can do to lie still and watch television, much less do anything. Martijn is cheering for Italy. His logic: "I don't like the French, the Portuguese beat Holland, and I hate Germany...Italy!" (hating the German is a Dutch national pasttime). It's an amazing game, and when Martijn drves me home at almost midnight I spend a while more celebrating and rehashing the game with Salvo.

Six.
Wednesday night at one-thirty I was sitting in the Markt Square drinking vodka shots and Belgian beer and eating chips and salsa with Martijn, Derya, two French, one Serb, two Portuguese, and a Mexican, all Philips employees but Antonio. We'd come from the Irish pub, where we'd all been watching the France-Portugal match. The French were celebrating, the Portuguese were drowning their sorrows, and the rest of us? We were just drinking. It was so warm out that we were in out t-shirts well past midnight. I ended up crashing in Martijn and Derya's spare room, because I didn't trust myself to ride home. Martijn and I spent a while more on the balcony talking about education and engineering and math and drinking water, so by the time I woke up yesterday morning I was pretty much fine...though for a while the three of us looked like zombies stumbling around the apartment trying to get ready for work.

Seven.
Today at work, I was cyber-ambushed by the boys. All of them. The entire hardware lab signed onto Skype and it quickly descended into the kind of half-Italian half-English madness I remember. The boss was out so they were all drinking beer, making the situation even more ridiculous than usual. Marines (who is temporarily occupying the desk across from mine) caught me breaking down laughing, and I explained that the entirety of the lab was in a chat, and they were all completely insane. Eventually there were plans to send me a cup of Italian coffee via DHL, after which we decided that, since they'd invented teleportation, that was a much better method of coffee delivery.

vrijdag, juni 30, 2006

Dreaming on a Park Bench

I'm sitting in Schiphol airport, with about twenty minutes to go till flight boarding. Wireless in the (ridiculously tasteful) food court.

Reasons I love being here:
The train system works
For five euros I got a very good bowl of fruit and yogurt and a large glass of fresh orange juice. In an airport. In the US you wouldn't even be able to find either of those.
I bought a bicycle yesterday, thanks to which it took me only twenty minutes to get to the station this morning, and the whole route is gorgeous. I love riding my bike in Eindhoven.
In ten hours I will be in Ancona (thanks to plane and train connections, it's a bit of a long haul).
I got window seats on both flights.
The boys organized a committee to plan my weekend. I love them.

Life is fantastic. Early morning, biking on quiet streets, a train ride, and a well-designed airport.

There are racks of S4 PARs lighting the concourse. Teehee.

donderdag, juni 29, 2006

Just Another Morning Here

The problem with there being five of us to one bathroom is that I can wake up an hour before I have to leave, and not get into the shower until five minutes before I was supposed to leave.

Life feels really good lately. Work is going well, life at home is really nice, and I'm actually doing something for my brirthday this weekend.

This afternoon I'm going down to the payment office to pick up my pay for June, then use part of it to buy myself a bike on the way home.

I'd been using a bike that belinged to Alan, a former housemate, who'd left a couch, seven guitars, and this bike (as well as some pot that Carel left in the kitchen cabinets and didn't tell anyone about, till Jiri stumbled upon it one day). Jiri and Salvo and I pumped up the tires and checked all the basic controls and it was a perfetly good bike, so I rode it for about two weeks. Perfect. Saved me the trouble of finding my own. Then I got home for work on Monday to find that Alan had finally come for his stuff--no more bike, no more couch in the yard. Time for me to invest in a bike of my own.

Life is good.